On having a nemesis...

It's important in life to have a best friend. Someone who will be there to help you out no matter what, and always make you smile when you need it.

On the other hand, it is almost unavoidable to have an arch enemy. A nemesis. Some fiend that plagues your nightmares and causes you need to constantly watch over your shoulder, lest they stab you in the back.

Mine is the Gorton's Fisherman. I know what you are thinking. But you are wrong. He is REAL. First off, Gorton's Fisherman has been leading his evil campaign for years before I was born. He cleverly disguises himself as a friendly fisherman bringing frozen fish goods like fish-sticks and the like into families homes for decades. Every commercial includes a jingle. A famous jingle that you'd be hard pressed to find a person who doesn't know it.

"Trust the Gorton's Fisherman..." Well I don't. Its a subliminal message. He distracts you with pretty pseudo-fish products and then sneaks into your mind. He asks you to trust him, and thinking you have nothing to lose, and you say, "what the heck?". You give him your foolish trust and he gains another mindless minion in his ever-expanding army.

But it doesn't end there. No the awful truth runs much, much deeper. I have also long known that his second in command and my second-most sworn enemy is Mr. Peanut, the Planter's Peanut. Practically the devil incarnate, an animate peanut that wears a monocle and top hat, and carries a cane that probably also serves as some kind of terrible torture device.

Still don't believe me? Well I am actually sad to say I've uncovered further evidence of this pact. And am saddened to learn that even more beloved product characters are now included as leaders of this evil plot to gain the trust of the world, only to betray it and rule over it with a yellow rain coat.

Someone sitting in their home enjoying their favorite television program would think nothing of it. That is because they have programmed you, they have your trust. Some might even think of this as cute, or clever. That is how deep they have gotten into your mind. All I see is a league of pure evil, so convinced of their power that they scoff at the public by displaying they are all working together and sitting around their giant evil table, having a giant evil dinner. You are all so blind you cannot see it for what it truly is, but I can. Look on this nightmare with open eyes...



Clearly Gorton's Fisherman and Mr. Peanut have gathered these other iconic characters to spread their agenda even further. And worse! They have swayed Mastercard to bank their actions. I am afraid a time is coming when they will be too powerful to stop. Too huge to control. They have gained the trust of millions, if not billions, and are are reaching their goal. World domination.

Not if I have anything to say about it. Join me. Rally behind my cause. I have publicly stood up to the Fisherman and Peanut before, I will do so again, and again until we prevail. Do not buy into their false pleas for trust. Hopelessness and worse lies ahead for all those who follow these false idols, these shams. Join me, and we can win this together. Spread the word. WE WILL NOT TRUST YOU!!!

The hitlist grows...
Primary targets (confirmed):
-Gorton's Fisherman {Mastermind, malefactor looking to rule over world by gaining people's trust with fish-sticks and catchy jingle}
-Planter's Mr. Peanut {Second in command, has evil mind-control monocle}

Secondary targets (confirmed):
-Count Chocula {Vampire, adored children's character will have no trouble converting future generations with sugary cereal}
-Charlie Tuna {fish with Hollywood connections, probably has gained celebrity followers, possible Scientologist}
-Chef Boyardee {friendly demeanor with delicious soups for children and grown ups alike; soups filled with the broth of Satan}
-Vlasic Pickles Bird {I think its a stork, either way it sells pickles, and pickles are just unnatural}
-Morton’s Salt Girl {has fooled people for years into believing throwing salt over their shoulder was good luck, it is in fact bad luck, as it leaves a trail for Gorton's Fisherman to follow you}
-Jolly Green Giant {Gigantic green man, possibly impervious to all attacks besides pesticides, jolly laugh capable of crushing buildings with sonic waves}
-Pillsbury Dough Boy {degenerate pervert, has tricked countless men, women and children into "tickling" his stomach while he giggles maniacally, every tickle gives him more doughy power}

Secondary targets (unconfirmed):
-Mr. Clean {reports Mr. Clean has been enslaved as a dishwasher for this group, also possibly a "Cleaner", wiping out targets for the group and making them look like accidental falls on wet floors}
-Little Green Sprout {original sidekick to jolly green giant, unsure of possible involvement}
-All brand characters are now suspect; keep an eye open for the likes of:
Keebler Elves, Quaker Oatmeal's Quaker, RCA Dog, M&M's and more.
They are all suspect!