It's important in life to have a best friend. Someone who will be there to help you out no matter what, and always make you smile when you need it.

On the other hand, it is almost unavoidable to have an arch enemy. A nemesis. Some fiend that plagues your nightmares and causes you need to constantly watch over your shoulder, lest they stab you in the back.

Mine is the Gorton's Fisherman. I know what you are thinking. But you are wrong. He is REAL. First off, Gorton's Fisherman has been leading his evil campaign for years before I was born. He cleverly disguises himself as a friendly fisherman bringing frozen fish goods like fish-sticks and the like into families homes for decades. Every commercial includes a jingle. A famous jingle that you'd be hard pressed to find a person who doesn't know it.

"Trust the Gorton's Fisherman..." Well I don't. Its a subliminal message. He distracts you with pretty pseudo-fish products and then sneaks into your mind. He asks you to trust him, and thinking you have nothing to lose, and you say, "what the heck?". You give him your foolish trust and he gains another mindless minion in his ever-expanding army.

But it doesn't end there. No the awful truth runs much, much deeper. I have also long known that his second in command and my second-most sworn enemy is Mr. Peanut, the Planter's Peanut. Practically the devil incarnate, an animate peanut that wears a monocle and top hat, and carries a cane that probably also serves as some kind of terrible torture device.

Still don't believe me? Well I am actually sad to say I've uncovered further evidence of this pact. And am saddened to learn that even more beloved product characters are now included as leaders of this evil plot to gain the trust of the world, only to betray it and rule over it with a yellow rain coat.

Someone sitting in their home enjoying their favorite television program would think nothing of it. That is because they have programmed you, they have your trust. Some might even think of this as cute, or clever. That is how deep they have gotten into your mind. All I see is a league of pure evil, so convinced of their power that they scoff at the public by displaying they are all working together and sitting around their giant evil table, having a giant evil dinner. You are all so blind you cannot see it for what it truly is, but I can. Look on this nightmare with open eyes...



Clearly Gorton's Fisherman and Mr. Peanut have gathered these other iconic characters to spread their agenda even further. And worse! They have swayed Mastercard to bank their actions. I am afraid a time is coming when they will be too powerful to stop. Too huge to control. They have gained the trust of millions, if not billions, and are are reaching their goal. World domination.

Not if I have anything to say about it. Join me. Rally behind my cause. I have publicly stood up to the Fisherman and Peanut before, I will do so again, and again until we prevail. Do not buy into their false pleas for trust. Hopelessness and worse lies ahead for all those who follow these false idols, these shams. Join me, and we can win this together. Spread the word. WE WILL NOT TRUST YOU!!!

The hitlist grows...
Primary targets (confirmed):
-Gorton's Fisherman {Mastermind, malefactor looking to rule over world by gaining people's trust with fish-sticks and catchy jingle}
-Planter's Mr. Peanut {Second in command, has evil mind-control monocle}

Secondary targets (confirmed):
-Count Chocula {Vampire, adored children's character will have no trouble converting future generations with sugary cereal}
-Charlie Tuna {fish with Hollywood connections, probably has gained celebrity followers, possible Scientologist}
-Chef Boyardee {friendly demeanor with delicious soups for children and grown ups alike; soups filled with the broth of Satan}
-Vlasic Pickles Bird {I think its a stork, either way it sells pickles, and pickles are just unnatural}
-Morton’s Salt Girl {has fooled people for years into believing throwing salt over their shoulder was good luck, it is in fact bad luck, as it leaves a trail for Gorton's Fisherman to follow you}
-Jolly Green Giant {Gigantic green man, possibly impervious to all attacks besides pesticides, jolly laugh capable of crushing buildings with sonic waves}
-Pillsbury Dough Boy {degenerate pervert, has tricked countless men, women and children into "tickling" his stomach while he giggles maniacally, every tickle gives him more doughy power}

Secondary targets (unconfirmed):
-Mr. Clean {reports Mr. Clean has been enslaved as a dishwasher for this group, also possibly a "Cleaner", wiping out targets for the group and making them look like accidental falls on wet floors}
-Little Green Sprout {original sidekick to jolly green giant, unsure of possible involvement}
-All brand characters are now suspect; keep an eye open for the likes of:
Keebler Elves, Quaker Oatmeal's Quaker, RCA Dog, M&M's and more.
They are all suspect!

OMG! I cannot believe that I found this. Many who know me, know that throughout time I've ranted about some very random things. One major movie rant I've always talked about is a movie called the Peanut Butter Solution. It is by far the craziest movie I've ever seen, and that's saying a lot. Most people don't believe it exists when I tell them about it. That's also because no one in their right mind has ever seen it.

My understanding is that it was a Canadian made family horror/comedy movie. It released in 1985 and features music by Celine Dion. You see? Already frickin wierd.

Anyway, the movie is about a kid, who upon going into a burned down haunted mansion catches an illness (or something like one) called, "The Fright", which causes all his hair to fall out. This is remedied though when a pair of homeless ghosts teach him how to make a magic formula called, "The Peanut Butter Solution". This will make his hair grow back, but he is instructed to not use too much peanut butter or else it will have negative effects.

Sure enough he uses too much and his hair grows at a crazy, fast, never ending pace. It is also magic hair, as we eventually find out, as his evil art teacher from school captures all the children in the town and forces them to make hundreds of paintbrushes every day from his hair. Which also, I should point out, allows the painter using said brush to paint anything in their imagination, and you can then walk into the painting! WTF!?

The story is resolved in the end when some friends of the kid trick the evil art teacher into walking into a painting of the same haunted mansion from the beginning where he sees "The Fright" and loses all his hair, which saves the main kid somehow. The end.

Amazing right? I don't know what inspired me finding this, or who the amazing soul is that took actual real life time to convert this masterpiece of nonsense over to a digital format. But here it is, in all it's glory, the entire 90 minute movie, "The Peanut Butter Solution". Enjoy.

This is a story I wrote in March 2008. It's being reposted for the masses to see.

It was during my time in Tanzania Africa recently that I came across a marvelous discovery. To preface, before I left I had discussed with my good and dear friend Michael Cannetti, the existence of a very special and very rare animal.

Mike had asked me, "So are you going to watch the Gizzle as it grazes in the open plain (Australian accent needed for this statement.)". I at first mistook his meaning for watching a Gazelle graze, but then I recalled having heard of a mysterious animal by that name. As we began to discuss, Mike at first suggested he thought it resembled something of a "dog-like" creature, a Dingo. But that wasn't it. I thought hard about it and remembered that it was known to be a very fast animal with some interesting facial features. Finally and triumphantly, Mike recalled that it was part Gazelle, part Ostrich, and part something far more sinister.

It was with great courage and ingenuity that I set out upon the plains of the Serengeti searching for this elusive beast. A promise was forged that I would bring home a photo of the animal in all its natural glory. A promise made to my dear, dear Cannetti. Many days were spent traversing long distances of nearly endless plains and nights were spent fending off Lions and Leopards as they viciously attacked our camps. Many brave men and women were lost. Time seemed to come to a crawl, each passing day another thousand Gazelle's but no Gizzle. Another flock of Ostriches, but none close to what I had traveled so far to find.

It is easy for one's mind to start playing tricks out in the plains. With the intense sun and heat, mirages form in the distance, drawing you near but only to find naught but your own blood, sweat and tears. Days became weeks. Weeks became months. And through it all, my hope prevailed. Though fading as I was in both physical health and sanity, I pushed ever on.

Disease swept me. The local peoples took me in, gave me care. I slowly returned back to my former health, but at such costs of time and resources it seemed my task would soon become impossible. It was with great desperation I decided to stay among them, hoping I could learn their ways.

A year went by, and then another and they thought me many things. They taught of tracking and the ways of the wild. They told me legends passed down for centuries by their ancestors, all brave warriors forged out of the very earth of the African plains. All the while, the great Gizzle eluded even their finest and most courageous; all but one that is. They told of a warrior chief, said to have been birthed of their gods, but made to walk the earth as a man. Each passing story of this ancient soul grew a fire in my heart, the flames of which would not be extinguished so easily again. At the end of my time there, my strength and hope renewed, I made another promise. To come back some day, if only by the grace of some higher power, and share my adventures with them. And to take all that they taught me and honor them by seeking out the Gizzle, even if it meant my certain death.

It was with new fervor I set out again through the jungles and across the plains. Swimming the widest deltas and climbing the highest of mountains. Surely nothing would get in my way. Time still was not kind, and the elements dropped upon me by the fates themselves broke and battered my body, but still I pressed on. With increased accuracy I found signs of the beast, now just barely escaping my grasp. Living off what sustenance I could find, and always moving. Neither rain nor raging fire could slow my speed. Animals both great and small cowered and ran as I rolled through their territory like the very lightning that lit up the sky; territory in which only one man had before tread. Earth shook, winds roared, kicking up great dust storms to blind me, and yet I pressed on. All the terrible beasts of the wild descended on me, and were left crippled in my trail.

It was on the final day that the entire world seemed to revert back to a cool and calm nature. I had walked through the fires of hell in the jungle, and had not been burned. It was this morning, sun shining and not a cloud in the sky that I knew I had overcome the creature that had only previously taunted me in my dreams. Through bushes and trees I tread, out into an open clearing. A clearing that the sharp eyes of an Eagle could not see across. Breath came shallow through my lungs, a light breeze in the air that smelled of spring born anew. Flocks of animals grazed in the tall grasses, numbered in the hundreds of thousands. A glorious sight for any tired eyes to come on. A true honor to solely witness such beauty. I set out, knowing that this day would be the day of reckoning. Time here did not change. Though hours passed, the sun stayed fixed in the sky.

What strength I had, what courage and power, now seemed drained of me despite all odds. Each passing step in this mystical place seemed like a thousand. Each breath was as heavy as an Elephant and as thin as a Butterfly's delicate wing. I was just short of my dieing breath. Cursing the ground I now crawled on, and the evil fates for having dragged me so far only to fail at the closest possible moment. My resolve all but extinct I pulled myself just one final foot farther, hoping, praying that that final step in this great and unending journey would land me my prize. In this very moment, and not one moment sooner, I collapsed, face in the dirt, to await my final demise.

It was then through the harsh and drumming sound echoing through my ears and brain that the light breeze still blowing, and taunting me, carried on it the slightest of sounds. A sound I had not heard since the night spent near the campfires of the local people who had changed my life. It was the sound of laughter. My mind reeled. I could not make sense of this sound, out here in this place, where no normal man could go. Where only one great god-like man had gone before. And yet, there it was all the same.

My muscles tightened as I turned my neck up, and felt as though they were snapping as rubber bands pulled too tight one too many times. My eyes, caked with dust, cracked and creaked slowly open once again as great steel and wooden doors from castles long ago. A blur of light flooded in, combined with the awful drumming in my head making me feel as though a great explosion were just milliseconds away from removing my head from its place on my shoulders. And the laughing, amongst everything else, prevailed. Closer it came, though I could not focus where. Closer and closer. Without a moments notice my eyes cleared, the ringing in my ears ceased and standing before me, as great and terrible as the legends had told, was the animal. This creature I had spent so many years of my life seeking out. This great omnipotent figment of man's imagination made real right before my eyes and shivering soul. The Gizzle stood, amongst the thousands of animals walking the endless mystical plain. Stood laughing. Like a banshee. Laughing at the futility of all my endeavors. Laughing I could feel from the tips of my toes to the end of the hairs on my head. Feeling that once again lit a fire. Kindling at first yes, but within seconds it became as large as any fire man had ever seen. Brighter and hotter than a thousand atomic bombs lighting up the night sky.

My arm flew with grace and precision to my side where my old trusty camera hung. Seemingly forged by some greater power, it hung, working miraculously as the day I had first placed it there. Like birds on the wind it came to my face. Lens cap off, focus locked. My eyes now pumping with furious blood and anger looked through the viewfinder, light and shape and color bending through the lens and into my very being. My finger flinched and SNAP!

It was all gone. I pulled the camera away from my face. No sounds existed anymore but that of a solitary cricket chirping away. It was dusk. In a moment of terror I tore around in a circle. Where was I? I came to grips. I breathed in the deep cool air. I waited. The last shimmering essence of light disappeared over the flat rolling plain in front of me. I reached down to find a hard shape at my side. From some small source of light nearby I could make out my camera, still hanging dutifully at my side. And then a voice…

"Time to go sir." A human voice? I turned to see my prior guide, long dead to me standing as plain as day not 3 meters away. I stepped awkwardly back. "Are you alright sir?" he asked. My voice slowly found its way out, but only above a peep. "Yes, I think so". Perplexed I followed after him. Into the Safari jeep I climbed. Had it all happened? What sort of trickery could this all be? We drove along through the early night, and I spent all the time re-running the events through my head. I couldn't understand what I had just experienced. I was certainly back where I had started. In fact, I knew it was the tenth and final day of my original trip. We were on our way to the airport where I would leave this place. Leave it all behind. All I had seen and experienced.

The thought made me happy. A dream, I thought. All of it. I allowed myself to relax and lean back in the dusty leather seat. We arrived at the airport. We wished me farewell, and I thanked him for his guidance. I waited a short while until being ushered onto the large 747 to head back to civilization and life as I knew it. The stewardess came by and greeted me with a nice cold drink. It seemed strange the taste of it, as if I had gone without for so long I could no longer remember the taste or feeling. I almost immediately slipped into a deep sleep. Darkness totally, and peace. Though it would not last.

A fire roared in front of me. I fell back, stunned by this change of events. I whipped my neck back and forth trying to figure out where I had now ended up. What was happening to me? Then a soft, but firm hand touched my shoulder. I was suddenly very calm and a familiar breeze seemed to hang in the air. The hand which led to an arm and a great hulking figure moved from behind me and sat down next to me. I knew his face without ever having seen it. Hundreds of stories of his greatness had etched this image into my mind like it was carved into solid stone. We sat for some time in quiet. Whether it was a lack of anything to say or a great mutual respect we felt, I can not say. It was I who finally spoke. "Why?" I asked. Simple a question as a man can ask. In this place it seemed to echo, like in a cave or great canyon. He did not answer immediately, but I was not in a rush to hear whatever answer he may have. My mind still raced, was it real? Was it all a dream? Finally his mouth opened.

"Believe.", he said. Before I could ask anything else my eyes popped open as the stewardess bumped into my arm. "Oh, I'm sorry sir. I hope I didn't damage it.", She quipped.  As she moved away, this thought perplexed me. Damaged what? I followed a path down my arm to my hand which hung loosely in the aisle. And in it was my camera. I nearly jumped out of my seat with horror. "Of course! Why didn't I check it sooner!?" The commotion caused a few other souls to wake and give lazy stares and mixed grumbling noises in my direction, but I didn't care. I flicked on the switch and pressed the review button. A single tear rolled down my face.

Believe…

It comes as a great disservice that the story of the Great Kitten Prank has never been put to page until now. After all, the events that largely affected one Mister Michael Vincent Cannetti, unfolded in the balmy summer days of July 2006. Though it has been told on occasion to friends of Mike Cannetti's or mine, it never had the full effect. The reason is, this prank was largely carried out over the internet. And as things that happen in real life can seldom be told well over the internet, the opposite applies here. One must be able to read the correspondence that took place that really gave this prank its amazing longevity and potency when the final bells tolled.

Before I dig into the prank, I should clarify a few things in the writing to come. Some of the story is lost to time. Faded memories will allow me to only input what I can remember about it well, the rest I will have to recreate to the best of my ability. Everything else will be carried by copied and pasted excerpts from the actual email chains that took place throughout. These actual surviving excerpts will be italicized. Please enjoy.

- July 5, 2006. The prank begins.
As I recall, Mike and I were conversing by our usual means over Gmail chat or something similar. I don't recall why or how it started. My best guess is we were discussing my now-wife/then-fiance Angie, and my upcoming wedding. I'm sure as well the talk evolved into a wedding gift from Mike to us. Because the idea to prank Angie came as a kitten wrapped in a bow. To expand on that, Mike and I for whatever reason thought it would be an excellent idea to pull a little prank on Angie. The idea was discussed thoroughly and unfolded as follows...

I took Angie with me to pick up lunch at a local salad bar/delicatessen. On the way there is the most worried dramatic voice I could muster I said something like, "Mike Cannetti told me what he got us for a wedding gift." She was at first unstirred by the direness in my voice but asked about it further. "Ang, it's kind of a problem. He got us a kitten."

Anyone who knows Angie, knows well her allergy to cats. Not to mention, at the time we were living in a non-pet friendly building so we couldn't take in a cat even if we wanted to.

"What do you mean he got us a kitten?", she asked. "Exactly that, he went to some kind of shelter or something and picked out a kitten to give to us. He has it at his house." Immediately Angie's mind fired from the norm of something like, "What the hell is he thinking?" straight to something more like, "Well maybe we can see if someone at the office would take him." I'm sure it took a few minutes of time for this to occur but it seemed quick to me. Very resourceful she is. Anyway, I kept playing it up as much as I could, asking her things like, "What are we going to do? He can't return it!!". Eventually I realized this was an error, as she started coming close to being very upset. The last thing I wanted was for her to start crying surrounded by strangers in the middle of a midtown deli. "Alright, calm down, its OK it's just a joke." "What?" "Its a joke, the cat isn't real, Mike and I are joking with you, he didn't get us a cat, don't worry." After I'm sure her being pissed at me for a few seconds, she gave in and realized it was kind of a funny and dumb idea.

"I was mostly trying to figure out if we could give it to someone in the office, I wasn't worried about us taking it really.", She said as we were walking back to the office. This is when a little tiny bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me in the evil part of my brain.

"What if we turned this around on him?", I said. "What do you mean?" "He doesn't know yet that you know its a prank. What if we turned it around on him with what you were just saying?" And so it was that I decided to flip the equation from my fiance to my best friend. The plan would be to tell him that Angie so worried for the kitten would send an email company-wide to everyone, letting them know we had a kitten that needed adopting.

When I told this to Mike, he thought it was genius. Most people would stop at this point and say this probably is a good spot to call it quits. But Mike is a balls to the wall kinda guy, and clearly wasn't thinking about the repercussions of if a real email got sent to 150 or so real people asking if they would like to adopt a cat that didn't really exist. What can I say, its why he's the best friend I have. This is the point where a devious nature and a knack for things that use electricity comes in handy. I asked Mike to find a picture of a kitten so I could show Angie. He immediately Googled the cutest and saddest little gray kitten he could find.

In the meantime I was busy creating a new person. Specifically a new executive at my company, named Michael Radenoff. It is with Mr. Radenoff's fabricated help, that I would pull the proverbial wool over my good friend's eyes for weeks to come. But more on that later. For now what you must know is Mr. R. got his own brand new hotmail account and would soon be mailing Mike Cannetti.

I sent Angie an email once he had found his kitten letting her know:

mike's gonna send you the picture soon. let me know when you get it. MWAHAHAHA

Soon Mike emailed us the picture, the quick chain followed:

From: Mike to Angie
Subject: Here is the kitty I got
-picture was attached here-

From: Angie to Mike
Subject: Re: Here is the kitty I got.
He's so cute! im sure we'll be able to find someone who will want him. Too tempting!

From: Mike to Angie
Subject: Re: Here is the kitty I got.
Yeah lets hope so. It would a shame to have to give him to the an animal shelter or something.

After receiving said kitten picture, and with a bit of free time during the rest of my lunch break I wrote what looked identical to a string of back and forth emails. Each carefully timestamped to give it realism, each matching outlooks reply's to really trick anyone who saw it. Since you would need to read it from the bottom up for it to make sense, I will instead reverse it for you so you can go on reading in a normal matter. As follows, the first email sent to Mike Cannetti:

This was sent off to Mike that afternoon with a demonic grin on my face. Little did I know it would take off and fly quite so far.

To be continued...